from now on my penis is your penis
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
