Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
