There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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