I'm laying in your front yard are you home
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I touched a dick in church today
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
