I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
