You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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