I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
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You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
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I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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