you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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