i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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