I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
