I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
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When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
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How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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