The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
