I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
