Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
