It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
