why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
