Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
