i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize