Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
