I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize