So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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