Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
