just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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