I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
