I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
