I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
