well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
