someone threw a dead crab at me
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
