shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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