the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
