I'm eating all of the evidence.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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