I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Someone stole a lamp last night.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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