my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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