She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
