I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
