Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
