this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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