We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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