this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
