Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
