My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
