Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
