She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just saw a hot homeless man
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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