My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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