I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
