I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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