It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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