a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
