Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
it was like eating out sand paper
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
