Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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