i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
