Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
