My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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