She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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