even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
