let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
