omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
