I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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