I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Blood and glitter go together right?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
